How to find your frat soulmate in five easy steps

Photo courtesy of Total Sorority Move.

Photo courtesy of Total Sorority Move, https://www.pinterest.com/sororitymoves/sorry-for-partying/

By Madison Galdi, Contributing Writer

Satire

Wear your shortest skirt and tightest top… or jeans and a tank top… or sweatpants and a t-shirt… or pajama onesie… Frat boys are like bats, blind and relying solely on echolocation to find fresh blood.

Move into the proper circular formation on the dance floor and seek out your prey. Maintaining eye contact for six seconds shows that you either want to bang or murder him, so ramp your stare up to seven, eight, even fifteen seconds of unblinking focus. There’s nothing boys love more than fear. A potential love interest, or Amanda Knox? He’ll be intrigued enough to find out!

Your target is approaching–you lucky girl! Now turn and look back at your friends. He may manage to grunt out the few words, “would you like to dance?” However, if you are particularly fortuitous, he will spare you that time waster and simply try to grab your hips. Nothing says long-term commitment like a stranger’s pelvis in your back!

After a dancing to a few songs by the distinguished voices of our generation (read: Justin Bieber) your partner will be so inspired that he will ask you to join him upstairs. If he’s feeling particularly witty he may not even ask outright! Expect some variation of, “We should go get some air,” “Have you seen the second floor?” or “You know I have pizza in my room.” Fair warning: the rest of the house smells the same as the basement, the second floor looks the same as the first, and there’s no Dominoes awaiting your arrival. By all means, however, head upstairs; mission accomplished!

Congratulations, all of your dreams have finally come true! Don’t worry when your target seems to have a look of terror when he spots you in servo and looks the other way. Fraternity men have amnesia Sunday morning through Friday afternoon. Never fear, your name will be on the tips of his fingers as he sends out his beautifully prosed text at one a.m. on Friday night.

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Author: Web Editor

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