April Fools: Nuclear Armageddon Imminent: Classes Held at the Discretion of Faculty
Apr01

April Fools: Nuclear Armageddon Imminent: Classes Held at the Discretion of Faculty

By Benjamin Pontz, Editor-in-Chief According to reports from scouts posted at lookout points atop the cupola and the Glatfelter bell tower, neighboring communities of Carlisle, Lancaster, and Emmitsburg have hunkered down ahead of an anticipated nuclear attack from North Korea. Spokespeople at those towns’ respective colleges — Dickinson, Franklin & Marshall, and Mount St. Mary’s — scoffed when reached by...

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April Fools: 21 Ways to Use Gettysburgian Print Editions Besides Reading Them
Apr01

April Fools: 21 Ways to Use Gettysburgian Print Editions Besides Reading Them

By Ben and Josh, Almost an Ice Cream Brand Some traditions are meant to die. Promulgating misleading statistics about Greek Life participation to unsuspecting parents of prospective students, eating every meal after one’s first year at the Bullet Hole, and, yes, the biweekly ritual of printing a student newspaper. Gettysburg’s recent spate of budget cuts—Orwellianly dubbed “sustainable excellence”—has axed many anachronisms of a...

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April Fools: Provost’s Office Successfully Bolsters Follicular Diversity, Adding Non-Bald White Male
Apr01

April Fools: Provost’s Office Successfully Bolsters Follicular Diversity, Adding Non-Bald White Male

By Benjamin Pontz, Non-Balding Editor Today is a landmark day in the Provost’s Office at Gettysburg College. Finally, they have hired a white man … that isn’t bald. Joining bald men Chris Zappe, Jack Ryan, and Rob Bohrer — Provost, Vice Provost, and Associate Provost respectively — is Matt Jones, joining as Assistant Provost for Provost’s Office Diversity. “We really felt we were lacking in terms of our white male...

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Faculty Meeting News and Notes: March 21, 2019
Mar24

Faculty Meeting News and Notes: March 21, 2019

By Benjamin Pontz, Editor-in-Chief As President Janet Morgan Riggs walked down the steps of Mara Auditorium into Thursday afternoon’s faculty meeting, she said, “We’re going to vote today.” The faculty did just that, approving two motions that had been pending from previous meetings. Online Courses Will Become Permanent Feature of College Curriculum The most controversial item on the agenda was a motion from...

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Leal Named Director of Gettysburg College Symphony Orchestra
Mar21

Leal Named Director of Gettysburg College Symphony Orchestra

By Benjamin Pontz, Editor-in-Chief Dr. César Leal, a Colombian-born musicologist who currently serves as the Director of the Sewanee Symphony Orchestra at the University of the South in Tennessee, will be the next director of the Gettysburg College Symphony Orchestra. Leal replaces Vimbayi Kaziboni, who left last May after two years at Gettysburg to take a position at the Boston Conservatory. The role of orchestra director has been...

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