April Fools: DPS Crime Log
Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.
(Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College)
Compiled by Phoebe Doscher, Assistant News Editor
March 25, 2019 (Monday)
- Crime Against Humanity- Cup Dropped in Servo; Closed – No suspects or Witnesses
- Disturbing the Peace – Students Jumped into Fountain – GPD cited Gettysburgian Staff of Gettysburg College; Referred to SRR
March 26, 2019 (Tuesday)
- Theft – Gazebo Bench Stolen; Closed – Referred to SRR
- Theft: Cutlerly and Angel Food Cake at Servo; Closed – No Suspects or Witnesses
March 27, 2019 (Wednesday)
- All Other Offenses: Taking Loudly on Third Floor of Library; Open – Under investigation by DPS
- Destruction: Bike Ridden Over Newly Scattered Soil; Closed – Referred to SRR
March 28, 2019 (Thursday)
- Intoxication – Overdose on Girl Scout Cookies; Closed
- Grand Theft Auto- Servo Food Truck Stolen; Referred to GPD – No Identifiable Suspect
March 29, 2019 (Friday)
- All Other Offenses: Student Called “First-Years” “Freshmen” – Referred to SRR
- Tour Guide Called “Residence Halls” “Dormitories;” Closed – Referred to SRR
March 30, 2019 (Saturday)
- Honor Code Violation: Student Miswrote the Honor Code on Test; Closed – Referred to SRR
- Violation of Food Rights: Student Mixed Red Sauce and Alfredo Sauce at The Bullet Hole; Closed – Referred to SRR
March 31, 2019 (Sunday)
- Offense Against Sea Turtles: Environmental Science Major Uses a Plastic Straw; Referred to SRR
April 1, 2019 (Monday)
- Student Drank Quarry Pond Water; Closed – No Suspects or Witnesses
- GPD cited Student Bottling and Reselling Pond Water; Referred to GPD
April Fools’ Special
