How To Lose a YAFhole in 10 Days

Editors' Note: This satire article is a part of The Gettysburgian's annual April Fools' special edition and is not a real news story.


By Morgan Hubbard, Staff Writer

I have been feeling anxious and powerless since the country has taken a turn for the political turmoil expressway. Have you? In an effort to take matters into my own hands, I decided to do a bit of very, very serious psychological study about a national group I’ve felt personally victimized by for years now. Perhaps I will learn something new or build empathy. Perhaps I will find a trophy husband. Here are my ten days luring a YAFhole, making him fall in love with me, and getting him to break up with me.

Day 1
It is important to understand from the start that despite every tendency your liberal snowflake self may be to believe everyone is unique, the truth about YAFholes is that they only come in so many models. To eventually break his heart, you must first have it. I watched four straight hours of Tomi Lahren and headed to my nearest town hall. I sat next to him, mirroring his smug look, as another of his YAFhole friends berated the speaker about his first amendment right to make fun of people. He leaned over and asked if I could believe this. I had him at “hell no!”

Day 2
So he’s asked you on a date…time to bring out the big guns (no room for gun control here). Take time to do some research on his favorite groups to oppress. Forgo your feelings of control over your womanly body. Practice designing offensive but admittedly clever posters, especially those that use slurs or appropriate more sophisticated movements. Bring these practices to the dinner conversation, and you’re set! But remember, let him think he’s indoctrinating you. It will boost his confidence and make him want you even more!

Days 3,4,5
Strap in, folks! These next few days may take years off your liberal life. This is the hard work, the not-so-fun stuff. You’ve got to endure a lot of mansplaining and gesticulating. Try not to bite your tongue so hard it falls down your throat. You have to be charming, submissive, and positively adamant about Donald Trump’s success in the White House. If Colin Kaepernick isn’t America’s worst enemy, you’re doing it wrong.

Day 6
Time to make things fun again! He’s feeling comfortable around you, perhaps even thinking he’s finally found the one. The move is simple, but it will start a spiral. Just as he’s getting to the middle of his flagrant rant at the dinner table and the entire restaurant has noticed, interrupt him. Interrupt him and say something vague like “I don’t really know that that’s true, though.” You have made two very important moves here. You insulted him by speaking out of turn, and you have subtly questioned his authority on a topic. Quickly let it go, let him continue. He will be flustered for a bit. You’ve planted the seed.

Day 7
Despite yesterday’s little hiccup, he’s thinking it’s time to introduce you to his friends. He asks you to attend tomorrow’s YAF meeting with him. You blush, so flattered that he wants to take this step. He knows any issues you’re having will be resolved after you meet the only other people he spends time with!

Day 8
You’re in the thick of the meeting. His friends, who seem skeptical of you already, are arguing over which pro-life poster is best. This is when you drop the ball: “Are we really pro-life if we don’t support things like Black Lives Matter or gun control?” The room goes silent. Your YAFhole is mortified. Smile smugly, just like the day you met him.

Day 9
Text him and tell him you want to talk. He’s probably still wounded from your embarrassing outburst yesterday, but he is more confused than anything else. You get in a little argument over text, but tell him that you think you can make it work despite your differences. He challenges you as a strong woman, and that’s what you love most about him. He’s feeling smothered.

Day 10
Casually share a link on Facebook in support of DREAMers. He will quickly text you to say it’s over, not having the social skills or respect to tell you in person. Reply with a quote from your favorite intersectional feminist. Ask him why he’s behaving like a sensitive snowflake. Then delete his number.

Day 11
Have a glass of wine, write a scathing article, prepare to make some enemies, and reflect on the one ironic thing you learned from your time with the YAFhole: freedom of the press is more important than people’s feelings. You can go back to knowing that isn’t necessarily true on day 12.

April Fools’ Edition

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Author: Morgan Hubbard

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