Hydraulic fracturing on campus: As if students were not already under enough pressure

Fracking is underway next to the CUB at Gettysburg College

Fracking is underway next to the CUB at Gettysburg College

By Joshua Wagner, Staff Writer

Drilling has commenced at Gettysburg College. After conducting some initial surveys, a patch of grass immediately adjacent to the CUB was determined to be the best location for the college’s new hydraulic fracturing well.

Creed Greedy, the director of GettysburGets, the campaign for more construction at our college, said, “When we heard that the campus was conducting a climate survey, our department decided to conduct a subterranean study of the college. You know, to get to the bottom of things.”

Greedy reports that this was when a pocket of Marcellus shale was found below campus.

Students were dubious of the environmental impact of the project, but are tempted by the promise of reduced tuition and free laundry services funded by the exploitation of natural gas. Brian Les, the manager of the hydraulic fracturing well project, commented: “These students have no understanding of the real world. They might think the environment is nice now, but 30 years from now, they won’t be thinking of the environment – they’ll be thinking about what they did with five extra big ones a year.”

While often cited as the cause of flammable water and increased seismic activity, the installation does not seem to be shaking up the campus. Richard Caput, a member of the class of 2019 explained that he supports fracking on campus: “This isn’t supposed to be a safe space – explosions happen in the real world, so we should get used to flammable water now while we are still resilient to third degree burns. If this means that I have to give up smoking in the shower, so be it.”

When questioned about increased seismic activity caused by fracking, Caput responded: “I live on the fourth floor of Muss, so if the building collapses, I should be okay.” What of the bottom three floors?

“Well, they should have thought of that during the housing selection process.”

One point of contention is the redirecting of the College Union Building’s upcoming renovations. Students were led to believe that the renovations of the CUB were intended to make space for the Center for Career Development, the GLC and the Office of Student Activities and Greek Life.

However, after the discovery of fossil fuels, this plan was scrapped in order to make way for the pumping station necessary for the hydraulic fracking well.

In relation to the pumping station, Brian Les commented, “It ain’t pretty, but it’s functional.” (Incidentally, this same quote was offered by several students with regard to the current state of the CUB).

Brian Les also commented on how fortunate it is that this discovery occurred during the current administration: “I’m just glad that orange Cheeto got into office. The EPA was getting to be a real pain in the tush for a while there. If we have any luck, we’ll finish with this well before our four years are up.”

Within several months the pumping station will be fully operational, and GettysburGets, the campaign for more construction, will be bolstered by the added revenue.Whether students ultimately decide to support or protest the project is yet to be seen; however, one thing is certain – these are interesting times at Gettysburg College.

April Fools Day Special

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Author: Joshua Wagner

Josh Wagner '19 is a chemistry and mathematics double major who enjoys bike rides on the battlefield and waving around a red pen as the Gettysburgian's Managing Opinions Editor. When not editing for the Gettysburgian, he can usually be found working in the College Life Office, helping students with calculus as a PLA, or studying in the library.

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