Blasts from the past: April 1, 2017

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1976
On this date in 1976, three professors in the history department were observed returning midterms to students with withdraw slips stapled to the backs. “It’s the bicentennial,” one professor said, “and a student said America was 300 years old. Like, even Richard Nixon had more of a clue than these kids.”

2004
A college tour guide fainted from exhaustion after explaining the Campus Blue Light system for the 24th time in 24 days. “We appreciate the hard work of our student tour guides in explaining campus safety to prospective students,” said a spokesperson for the Admissions Office. When asked whether the student tour guide qualified for worker’s compensation, she demurred before quickly changing the subject to Servo Thanksgiving.

2012
This year marks the fifth anniversary of the founding of the Gettysburg Attack Squirrel Awareness Club (GASAC), which began in response to a squirrel attack that sent two students to the Health Center with injuries after a squirrel jumped out of a tree to snatch a Servo cookie, and, in the process, aggressively tripped the injured students. No update on their status was ever publicly disclosed, nor were their names ever released. We assume they survived the ordeal, but we have no way to independently verify that.

2015
In the spring of 2015, we reported on the impending necessity for students to sleep in cardboard boxes on Stine Lake due to a shortage in housing. We are pleased to report that those students have now graduated, and 99% have found gainful employment since graduation, exceeding the college average. “I learned how to be self-sufficient … and bitter,” one student said of his experience.

Archived fake news compiled by news editor Benjamin Pontz

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Author: Jamie Welch

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