Blasts from the past: April 1, 2017

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On this date in 1976, three professors in the history department were observed returning midterms to students with withdraw slips stapled to the backs. “It’s the bicentennial,” one professor said, “and a student said America was 300 years old. Like, even Richard Nixon had more of a clue than these kids.”

A college tour guide fainted from exhaustion after explaining the Campus Blue Light system for the 24th time in 24 days. “We appreciate the hard work of our student tour guides in explaining campus safety to prospective students,” said a spokesperson for the Admissions Office. When asked whether the student tour guide qualified for worker’s compensation, she demurred before quickly changing the subject to Servo Thanksgiving.

This year marks the fifth anniversary of the founding of the Gettysburg Attack Squirrel Awareness Club (GASAC), which began in response to a squirrel attack that sent two students to the Health Center with injuries after a squirrel jumped out of a tree to snatch a Servo cookie, and, in the process, aggressively tripped the injured students. No update on their status was ever publicly disclosed, nor were their names ever released. We assume they survived the ordeal, but we have no way to independently verify that.

In the spring of 2015, we reported on the impending necessity for students to sleep in cardboard boxes on Stine Lake due to a shortage in housing. We are pleased to report that those students have now graduated, and 99% have found gainful employment since graduation, exceeding the college average. “I learned how to be self-sufficient … and bitter,” one student said of his experience.

Archived fake news compiled by news editor Benjamin Pontz

April Fools Day Special

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Author: Benjamin Pontz

Benjamin Pontz '20 serves as managing news editor of The Gettysburgian, a position he has held since the middle of his first year. In four semesters, he has written more than 100 articles on topics ranging from student activism on campus to sports. Ben previously served as the event coverage and social media coordinator and led the paper's inaugural efforts using Facebook Live and live tweeting events on campus. Aside from The Gettysburgian, he is a peer research mentor in Musselman Library, a research assistant in the political science department, and drum major of the Bullets Marching Band. He is a political science and public policy double major with a minor in music, and he reads up to seven newspapers daily. Follow him on Twitter @benpontz.

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