No more monkey business

Photo Credit to Gettysburg College

Photo credit: Gettysburg College

By Jack Gentes, Opinions Editor and Alex Grun, Contributing Writer

Satire

Returning students to Gettysburg this year may have noticed a slight change in Servo dining. Trays have been discontinued in an effort make the school more “green.” The school claims that the lack of trays will save on water usage, as they will need to wash less. In addition to Servo being trayless, there are also brand new bathrooms and a new dish return. The school would like you to think that these renovations were paid for with your tuition, but that might not be the case. Well, in fact it’s not the case…we just want to hook you into our article. Nothing but honesty from us.

A confidential informant employed by the opinions section was stationed in Servo over the summer, based on information gathered from another confidential informant. We had been led to believe that Servo was doing under the table business with Harry’s and Richard’s and Margaret’s Boutique Emporium (H.A.R.A.M.B.E. for short), which is one of the most covert black market operations in the country. The company is based out of an undisclosed location in Cincinnati and deals with the buying and selling of washable goods, with a bit of human trafficking on the side.

Our confidential informant called us late Tuesday night with a full report of his covert operations. Although the signal wasn’t good because he was hiding in a dishwasher, which was running, we were able to make out the important points of his investigation. “It seems *wwssshh* that the *wwssshh* trays have been sold *wwsshhhh* to H.A.R.A. *wwssshh* M.B.E. *wwsshh*. The money *wwssshh* will go to new bathrooms *wwssshh* and a new *wwssshh* dish return *wwssshh* system. Have to go *wwssshh* I need to move to *wwssshh* my next position *wwssshh* in the freezer *wwssshh*.”

Another confidential informant has just reported to us that H.A.R.A.M.B.E. is on the verge of collapse due to our investigation. He reports that Richard, known within the company as Dick, was recently booted out of the company due to unspecified reasons. Our informant managed to find and speak with Dick, who wanted nothing but revenge for what the company did to him. He summarized his report best with the few simple words “Richard’s out for H.A.R.A.M.B.E.”

So there’s the answer to the tray situation at Servo. While it may be a little more difficult now to get your food at Servo, at least we have some nice new bathrooms and a new dish return. And heck, we shouldn’t be complaining in the first place. We go to a great institution that is full of life, which can’t be said for H.A.R.A.M.B.E.

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