Ten Secrets Gettysburg Doesn’t Want You Knowing…#7 WILL SHOCK YOU!
By Brendan Raleigh, Conspirator-in-Chief
1. Most people assume Gettysburg College was named after its current president and founder, Janet Morgan Riggettysburg. But would it shock you to find out that Gettysburg College is actually named after the town of Gettysburg, the place where the college is currently placed?
2. In the same vein, the college’s role in the Battle of Gettysburg has been severely downplayed. In 1863, the college participated directly in the battle and it singlehandedly killed thirteen soldiers – nine confederates and four Union soldiers – so as to avoid being “on the wrong side of history.” The college almost never talks about its dark past nowadays, but, on rare occasions, it has been known to regale passers-by with its complex, contradictory and utterly violent history with the Civil War.
3. The college never actually looked at your application. You were accepted by mistake and everyone is just too embarrassed to tell you.
4. If you rearrange all of the letters of the college’s Greek organizations in a certain order, they spell out “JMR IS KOOL LOL” and then make a thumbs-up symbol with the remaining letters. This message is also visible from outer space.
5. Every Friday at 2 a.m., Jeff hands out free hotdogs in Constitution Parking Lot. The administration has been working especially hard to keep this one under wraps, but the secret is out and Jeff will have to answer for his crimes.
6. Servo cookies were discontinued eons ago and everyone has just been eating the last few leftovers ever since.
7. The major “Mathematical Economics” was given the abbreviation “ME” because the college administration believes that the students of this major are by far the most selfish.
8. “The Attic” was given its name because it is the literal attic of Doris and Hubert Parson, an elderly couple who live in West Building and often get slightly rattled when the “rowdy kids” of Gettysburg College disturb their peace every weekend. Seriously, Doris just wants to finish one more Nora Roberts novel. Please. Just once. For Doris.
9. [INFORMATION REDACTED]
10. The college’s current Alma Mater song, written in 1922, was originally set to the beat of Eminem’s 2002 hit song “Lose Yourself.” After the famous rapper threatened the college with a lawsuit, the tune was changed to its current beat, which is a blatant copy of the song “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent. The college’s official stance on the similarities between the Alma Mater and the 50 Cent song is that it is “just an homage, bro. Artists get inspiration from each other all the time and this is like a throwback kind of thing. No disrespect. Also, fair use, man.”
April Fools Day Special