President Obama plans to institute new “Good ‘Nough” Program
By Josh Wagner, Political Expert
Repeated claims that America is no longer great led President Obama to put forth a new legislative agenda for the remainder of his term. Fearful that Americans would question his legacy, his ambitious agenda will focus on branding America’s current state of affairs. The president was quoted saying, “Folks, I don’t really understand what the problem is. Unemployment’s down, healthcare’s up, and we’re doing better than before. That’s why the country needs the Good ‘Nough Program”
Most of the proposed legislation focuses on tax credits. Smiling, laughing, and gesturing with an ostensibly vertical thumb would nominally reduce one’s taxes under this proposed program. Saying: “America’s pretty great” waives one’s fee to the Smithsonian Museum of American History. The NSA has guaranteed that doing any of these actions in front of a laptop or cell-phone will be registered within three business days. Despite resistance from Apple, even iPhones will be functional for the Good ‘Nough program.
Good ‘Nough also promises loan forgiveness for optimistic college students. These measures have reined in the support of young voters back to the Democratic establishment. Bernie Sanders was recently found in an empty auditorium muttering to himself: “I had a bird! Symbolism! Our only hope! Top tenth of one percent! Free education!” Hilary Clinton claimed immediate support for the program: “America needs a smile on every face, and me in the Oval Office. [fake laughter]”
Donald Trump had this to say: “Good ‘Nough! When has America ever settled for Good ‘Nough? Good ‘Nough! We don’t settle for Good ‘Nough. I’ll tell you about Good ‘Nough! It’s bad. When I see a bad program I say: ‘It’s bad.’ So, I’m gonna say it. It’s bad.” Trump continued to repeat himself until his fans’ cheering drowned out his hysterical Dick-and-Jane style monologue.
Republican-establishment leaders are reeling at Barack Obama’s program. Congressmen are forced to choose between Barack Obama’s agenda and Donald Trump’s “Make America Great Again” dogma.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had these regrets: “I feel like a turtle on its back. I can’t decide who I support less.” McConnell later acquiesced, “As you can imagine, I usually feel like turtle, just not on my back.”
Ted Cruz, a major member of the opposition, had this to say: “American’s should not be forced to smile. Growing up, my parents never smiled, so I can’t even do it right.” He then attempted to curve the ends of his mouth upward to the horror of the reporters present.
Chris Christie said to reporters Tuesday: “Donald doesn’t let me smile now.” Ben Carson later confirmed this sentiment with a nod. Apparently, his speaking privileges had been revoked.
President Obama requested that presidential candidate Vermin Supreme join the Good ‘Nough program. Supreme’s interest in a sea of shining smiles resonated with the president’s plan.
Here is a brief look at Vermin Supreme’s vision, “Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great nation long enough, and it must be stopped. For too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay — in spirit and incisors. A country’s future depends on its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation indentured. Our very salivation is at stake. Together we must brace ourselves as we cross over to the bridgework into the 23rd century. Let us bite the bullet and together make America a sea of shining smiles, from sea to shiny sea.”
Vermin’s first order of business is to open the Statue of Liberty’s mouth and insert a large gleaming set of copper teeth. “And mark my words America, these teeth will not be left to gather oxidation. The Statue of Liberty’s smile will gleam for the same reason America’s teeth will gleam: twice daily brushing!”
With support from establishment Democrats and Republicans, there is little question that this program will fail to pass the House and Senate. Nevertheless, if signed into law by the President, Americans will discover that America is good ‘nough.
April Fools Day Special