Increased squirrel aggression on campus
By Ari Snaevarsson, Features Editor
Due to the increased aggression of the squirrels on Gettysburg College campus, the administration has made an official announcement that a squirrelologists will be called in to remedy the situation.
Discussion has, of course, been circulating among the student body over whether or not this would happen. We can all take a long sigh of relief.
“This is preposterous!” claims squirrel enthusiast Annika Jensen ’18. “I know the school is hiding something from us, and I intend to get to the bottom of this,” she continues.
Similar sentiments can be heard around campus, as this announcement was not universally appreciated. What will these “squirrelologists” (if we can even be sure this is a real title) be doing exactly? Time can only tell.
For the time being, we know a series of experiments will begin to take place in the Science Center within the next few months.
Professors in the science departments could not be reached for interviews, adding further to the confusing nature of the matter.
Whatever the case, the squirrel aggression has gotten out of hand. Reports of rabid squirrel attacks have far exceeded the limit of two per semester, and so far nothing has been done.
Faculty, students, and parents alike may rest easy knowing some sort of effort is being taken to fix the issue.
An anonymous source has claimed to have insight on the matter, although the validity of these claims cannot be confirmed. As it stands, the source reports to have heard rabid squirrel screams coming from the growth rooms in the Science Center.
Upon my own independent research on these “squirrelologists,” all I could find was one tongue-in-cheek squirrel fan page, proving to be of absolutely no help.
This clearly raises concerns in the validity of what the school has told us, but some students have proposed conspiracy theories about what might actually be happening.
Some say the recent increase in tuition charges may speak to the enormous amount of money required to conduct experiments aimed at creating “super-squirrels.”
This “super-squirrel” theory has been backed up by speculation regarding whether the recent increase in aggression in the squirrel community has spiked because of the administration, possibly pointing to the idea that these squirrels are the byproducts of such experiments.