CNAV announces it will be shutting down

Amid complaints about its functionality, CNAV announces it will be gone for good. Picture Credit: Screenshot/The Gettysburgian

Amid complaints about its functionality, CNAV announces it will be gone for good.
Photo Credit: Screenshot/The Gettysburgian

By Jamie Welch, Web Manager

At a press conference held Wednesday morning in West Building, a depressed and downtrodden CNAV announced that it is shutting down as of April 1, 2016 until people recognize its value.

The Campus Navigation Portal (CNAV) serves as an information gateway for members of the Gettysburg College community.

Each member is provided services and features according to their current relationship to the college.

The system was built in the 90’s, and as a result some of the functions and the design seem antiquated to many users who are used to the responsive web design standards of 2016.

CNAV rebukes the idea that these complaints are bugs, preferring instead to refer to them as features.

“For far too long people have complained about my retro design and quirky menu functionality,” CNAV told reporters, “That ends today.”

CNAV went on to detail all of the things it helps to coordinate and manage every day, things that would be lost when it shuts down Thursday morning.

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to manage your housing, view your transcripts, email club aliases, get your favorite daily Digests, or CNAV stalk people.”

“Everyone always forgets I facilitate CNAV stalking. I don’t know why, my name appears in the first half of the word,” said CNAV in a rambling 14 page statement released to the Gettysburgian following the press conference.

CNAV has faced mounting criticism from critics in recent months for taking excessive breaks from service.

“First it’s nowhere to be found from 3:32 a.m. to 4:48 a.m. for ‘maintenance’, then when it finally comes back online you better get your stalking in quickly because by 5:33 a.m. CNAV once again heads out of the office to who knows where,” Roger Douglas ‘17 told reporters last week at the signing for his new National Enquirer exposé on CNAV.

“This continues throughout the day at random intervals. We don’t know where CNAV goes all day, but I can tell you it’s nowhere good,” Douglas added.

CNAV responded to these critics at multiple points throughout its statement, at one point commenting that “even computer systems need to take a nap sometimes.”

CNAV also said, “can’t a website get a cup of coffee? Maybe all these haters are just projecting their own inadequacies onto me.”

Regardless of the reasons for the hate, CNAV concluded its press conference by saying that it has had enough with all of the drama and complaints, and it hopes that this shutdown will make people realize its value to the campus community.

“Until such time as I feel valued and respected by the people of Gettysburg College, I will be on strike,” it said.

CNAV has declined multiple interview requests from the Gettysburgian and has reportedly cleaned out its office ahead of the shutdown.

The strike has caused a stir around campus, with many Gettysburgians shocked by the news. “I never thought it would actually disappear,” said one student. “Obviously CNAV can be annoying but how else will I find out when my crush gets out of class so I can run into him?”

April Fools Day Special

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Author: Jamie Welch

Jamie Welch '18 served as editor-in-chief of The Gettysburgian from May 2016 to May 2018. Jamie also served as the webmaster and as a staff writer for the features and news sections. He graduated Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science and a minor in Business. Follow him on Twitter @welchjamesk.

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