Springing into Shape
By Meredith Cox, Staff Writer
*APRIL FOOL’S EDITION*
Spring is the perfect time to stay inside, immobile, and inactive. Who wants to be outside in the fresh air, warm sun, and light breezes? Not me. I want to stay planted right in front of my television, sitting on my couch with snacks all day long. If you are with me and want to have the most productive spring season yet, keep reading.
Get at least ten hours of couch time every day. You paid a lot of money for your furniture, so use it! Sit, lie, and relax on your couch. It is probably best that you do not get up all day. Be sure to bring everything you need with you for the day to the couch so you can experience as little movement as possible.
Getting up and down from the couch may cause you to use your quad and calf muscles, which could result in cramping. It may feel like a full-time job at first, but if you stay committed, you can learn to love this sedentary lifestyle.
Make sure you eat every half hour. Even if you do not feel hungry, you need to eat. Your body does not know when you are satiated. Do not listen to hunger cues. Instead, avoid feeling hungry at all times.
You can always feel full by constantly snacking between meals, indulging in dessert after lunch and dinner, and enjoying a daily midnight snack. No one likes to be hungry, so instead, make sure you are always stuffed to the brim! When your pants get too small, you will have a great excuse to start a new wardrobe.
Load up on trans fats. There is a reason that deep fried foods, creamy milkshakes, and store bought pastries taste so good. They are full of trans fats, which make you feel so full and happy. It is important to remain happy, so make sure to get trans fats at every meal. Avoid checking your cholesterol levels, as trans fats may increase the “bad” cholesterol your doctor is always talking about. Here, ignorance is bliss.
This is the year you can have the best spring yet. As you spend more time on the couch, watching television, continuously snacking, you will build an incredible relationship with yourself, completely ignoring the outside world. Physical activity has been shown to cause injury, so it is best to avoid it at all costs. Relax and recharge!