Snowden’s attack fails to dampen student spirits

Photo credit gettysburg.edu

Photo credit gettysburg.edu

By Jack Gentes and Alex Grun, Contributing Writers

Satire

This past weekend, Gettysburg College was blasted with a severe blizzard, dropping multiple feet of snow. The College has experienced many storms in recent history, but nothing as bad as this. Students didn’t seem to mind the snow, as people were out having snowball fights, building snowmen and generally enjoying the “winter wonderland.”

When asked about the snow, local house leader and G-burg senior Lizzie Donovan said, “It’s aight.”

Rob Sharpe, a junior OMS major, said that, “It’s a nice change of weather. It kinda helped bring a little holiday spirit to the campus, albeit a little bit late.” So the snow sure sounds like a lot of fun, but should we really be this excited about an attack on our homeland?

For decades, people have pondered whether or not a machine could be made that has the ability to alter the weather. This idea is science fiction no longer. The U.S. Government has recently confirmed its suspicion that Edward Snowden has constructed the first operational weather-altering device while hiding in Russia.

The machine known as the “Snowed-in” utilizes the Higgs Boson nanoparticle in conjunction with a household refrigerator to cause sweeping cold fusion fluxes in the Earth’s atmosphere. This in turn leads to large snowfall over a targeted area. While the exact inner workings of the device are still unclear, what we do know is that…it works. Inspired by movies such as The Day After Tomorrow and Snowden’s personal favorite, Frozen, the ex-NSA agent plans on using the device to get revenge on the United States.

Creative Commons license photo by Laura Poitras.

Creative Commons license photo by Laura Poitras.

Recently released government files, documenting a secret phone call between Snowden and his mother, revealed that he is still salty about being forced to flee to Russia. The conversation outlined how Snowden hopes to show just how awful it is to live in a place as cold and snowy as Russia by making Americans snowed-in.

As kids and college students everywhere are seen playing in the snow, Snowden’s attack has surly failed. Senior Matt Lutz put it nicely, saying, “I don’t really know too much about Edward Snowden, and I get the sense that he’s in trouble emotionally. I don’t really know the ins and outs of the situation, and although the snow is a bit of an inconvenience, I really didn’t want to leave the house today anyways.” So, although people are snowed in, the wet snow has not dampened their spirits.

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1 Comment

  1. The authors are clearly enjoying the snow, while pondering much deeper issues. Good for them!
    Linda in New England (where we missed the blizzard, but do not appreciate the thought of being manipulated by humans controlling the weather!)

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