Anti-Advice: Crushing in the Choir

Dear Evomo Mortem,

There’s this girl who sings in the choir here. Her laugh is infectious and gives me the warm fuzzies inside. I do not hang out with her much but when I do it’s always with a big group of her friends. I guess the problem is, I don’t know how to approach her to just hang out with her because she is out of my league and has a lot of guy friends. Can you possibly give me some tips?

The Shy-Guy

Dear Shy-Guy,

Pull up your knickers and quit using phrases like “warm fuzzies”, that’s a start anyways.

Also, are you both fish? Is she a mermaid? Because I’m not sure I understand what you mean by ‘league.’

Now, assuming you’re not fish, you will need to buy a few things in preparation for winning this girl over. The first one is confidence. Bitches love that shit. Of course, there is only one place you can buy confidence and it requires one to traverse the roughest terrain to acquire it. Take note.

The journey toward love is long and arduous.

The journey toward love is long and arduous.

You have to turn inward for a few days, both figuratively and literally. Travel down past your mind heading south toward the heart. Fight the gremlins that await you at this point and return to the original path. Gravity should help pull you down.

Once you’ve reached the parts that ooze testosterone, trade the troll that guards those reserves two coins in exchange for two armfuls of that rage-producing hormone. Carry it back up the way you went down. Once you’ve extricated yourself from your body mix, the goods in whatever you can!

Either inject it into your veins, mix it into your morning cup of coffee, snort it with chili sauce, whatever! Just make it become one with your being.

Ahhhh, I’m just kidding. Go out and buy yourself a fedora and let your beard grow wild. She’ll be weeping on her knees for your love faster than you can watch an episode of that pony show you should start watching.

evEvomo Mortem is a member of the Class of 2016 as a Public Policy major in the Pre-Law program with an Education minor. She gains most of her influence from her number one role model, Mary Surratt, because she was “a woman of firsts”. As a strong woman figure herself, she enjoys living the independent life like George Thorogood in his famous hit “I Drink Alone”. In addition to her studies Mortem enjoys people watching, horseback riding, and counting. Please contact her with questions, concerns, or thoughts worth pondering at evomomortem@gmail.com.

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Author: Brendan Raleigh

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